Brace yourselves, people! It's time for some killer Walker, Texas Ranger humor to lighten the mood.
This just in: Chuck Norris was exposed to Coronavirus. Now the Coronavirus is in isolation.
Ooh, ouch!
Walker, Texas Ranger / CBS
Martial artist action man Chuck Norris is celebrating 80 years on this mysterious blue ball of ours — and he's as much of a legend as ever! The phenomenon of his characters has created a decade of high-quality cult internet comedy.
But what are the best of the best truisms about this southern superhero?
It's time for a sampling, rangers: Happy Big Birthday, Chuck!
Real Name: Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris
- Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
- Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Born on: March 10, 1940
- Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone.
This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
- Time waits for no man.
Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine.
But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
- Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Served in: The United States Air Force
- Chuck Norris has a diary.
- Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
- Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Black Belt: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu
- Chuck Norris went to a feminist rally and came back with his shirt ironed and holding a sandwich.
- Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?"
He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Black Belt: Judo
- When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive.
The zombies do.
- Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack... even a heart isn't foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
- If Chuck Norris is really so awesome, he would show up at my house and slam my face onto the keyboaroijioejoiwsglbkjvbn4bsv49bs9ibe
Black Belt: Tang Soo Do
- Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
- Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Chuck Norris once went to Mars.
That's why there are no signs of life.
- Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Blackbelt: Chun Kuk Do
- Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
- Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity.
Twice.
- Brett Favre can throw a football over 10 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Blackbelt: Taekwondo
- When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
- Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
- Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin.
The next 9 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Blackbelt: Karate
- When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
- Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris punched a horse with his uppercut.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg.
After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Roots: Irish and Cherokee
- Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
- Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
- Chuck Norris doesn't have a good aim.
His bullets just know better than to miss.
Author: Martial Arts and Exercise
- Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
- Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-7.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Chuck Norris can find the end of a circle.
- The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Author: Western Adventures
- Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
- Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
- Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take crap from anyone.
Author: Philosophy, Politics, Christianity
- Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
- Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
- Chuck Norris can speak French, in Russian.
Professional Middleweight Karate Champion Title: 1968
- A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
- Bigfoot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
- Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Karate Triple Crown: 1969
- If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer.
Too bad he has never cried.
- Some kids piss their name in the snow.
Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Black Belt Magazine Fighter of the Year: 1969
- Chuck Norris has inside jokes with complete strangers.
- Chuck Norris was almost in the movie "Mission Impossible", but they would've had to change the name to "Mission Accomplished."
Instagram / @chucknorris
- When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
- The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame: 1989
- The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
- Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
- Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
ShoWest Convention International Box Office Star of the Year: 1992
- Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman's life.
- Every Chuck Norris joke is a five-star joke just because it says, Chuck Norris.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Martial Arts History Museum's Hall of Fame: 1999
- Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices.
His vehicles run on fear.
- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure.
Chuck Norris goes killing.
All-Time Legend Of The Universe: Eternity And Beyond
- Chuck Norris doesn't read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Instagram / @chucknorris
- In an average living room, there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.