Military Personnel
Military personnel are often unfairly stereotyped as lacking intelligence, though the following examples certainly don't help their case. While they may not be unintelligent, some actions raise eyebrows for their questionable nature.
Among the most baffling incidents are instances where military members mistook North Korea's capital for Bogota, or developed odd interests, such as an unusual fascination with dolphins. These examples certainly make one wonder about their decision-making skills.
Six-Month Deployment
During a six-month deployment, I met a firefighter named Akas, who became the source of endless entertainment. He once decided to make noodles and, instead of using the hot tap, poured them directly into the coffee maker’s grounds compartment, thinking it would do the trick. The result? Coffee that tasted like noodles for the rest of the deployment. Despite his bizarre behavior, we let him be because, frankly, he was the only entertainment we had left.
Akas often baffled us with his antics, like when he emptied an entire bottle of hand soap into the washing machine, convinced that "it's all soap." He also thought washing his hands before bed sufficed as a shower, leading to a pillowcase inspection that revealed his hygiene habits. Despite his oddities, he wasn't lazy—he just had a unique perspective on life. We even learned some simple magic tricks from him, as his childlike wonder made him easily amazed by the smallest feats.
Basic Skills
During my time working with officers, I observed that while they have the basic skills required, they often lack practical judgment. One such incident occurred at our Naval Medical Center when a water leak caused the department head to remove her shoes to avoid getting drenched. This seemingly small decision became a larger issue.
The ceiling had collapsed, flooding the area and leaving the computer tower submerged. As sparks flew from the outlet and the tower emitted blue arcing light, the situation became hazardous. Despite the danger, the department head continued to work until a superior intervened. Thankfully, she was unharmed, though the company found it hard to keep a straight face during the inspection, especially when a new recruit arrived.
Domestic Pepsi
Our friend, nicknamed "Domestic Pepsi" because of his last name, was known for his bewildering lack of common sense. During a major inspection, the company commander approached him to ask general Marine Corps questions. Each time, Pepsi would respond, “This recruit does not know, sir!” Eventually, the commander asked, “Son, you don’t even know if you’re alive, do you?” After a long pause, Pepsi meekly replied, “Sir, this recruit does know that he’s alive, sir.”
It was clear Pepsi had to think about it, likely running through all the facts he knew in his overwhelmed mind. The entire squad bay, including our drill instructors, burst into laughter. To this day, how he managed to graduate remains a mystery. Boot camp demands dedication, but what happens when you complete it yet are unqualified for anything else?
My Basic Training
During my basic training, we had one person who seemed to constantly be a danger to himself and those around him. While we were securing the squad’s packs during an exercise, he managed to fall asleep and tumble out of a first-floor window. It didn’t end there—during a firing range session, he accidentally discharged a live round between the drill instructor's feet, though luckily it was a training round.
Despite these mishaps, he still graduated with the rest of us, with the exception of one individual who deserted halfway through. However, his file was marked with a note stating he was not fit for any rank. Stupidity isn’t just about actions—it can also show up in what you say. One Air Force cadet, for example, struggled to differentiate between capital cities, further proving how easily mistakes can be made in training.
Air Force Squadron
As an Air Force captain, I was assigned to a squadron with a colleague who was surprisingly incompetent and completely lacking self-awareness. This individual, who was in Intelligence, struggled to retain even the most basic information. In one briefing, he confidently stated that Bogota was the capital of North Korea—a glaring mistake, as Bogota is actually the capital of Colombia. His attempts to present himself as a "redneck" only added to the absurdity, particularly when he bought an oversized, bright red truck labeled "REDNECK," despite barely being able to afford it on his low salary.
His blunders didn't end there. Unable to keep up with the truck payments, he drove it into a lake, filed an insurance claim, and used the payout to buy a new vehicle. It didn’t take long for authorities to uncover the scam, leading to his discharge. I still can't fathom how someone like him made it into Intelligence training or why anyone thought he belonged there.
A Terrible Odor
In our platoon, there was a guy with a terrible odor. The squad leader eventually figured out that he froze his clothes overnight in an attempt to “clean” them. His antics didn’t stop there—he also faked dehydration during a desert training exercise, passed out, and needed an IV, all to get out of work.
During a wellness check off base, it was discovered that his two-bedroom apartment was overrun with 12 dogs and covered in feces. Surprisingly, this guy worked in intelligence. One day, he approached me and asked about my hometown, “Iowa.” When I confirmed, he asked, “Isn’t that in Nebraska?” His oddities didn’t end there—he also believed he was a cat, but that’s a whole other story.
Filled With Excitement
This individual was truly one of a kind, reminiscent of Gomer Pyle in many ways. When he arrived, the atmosphere was filled with excitement, especially with the viral hit "What Does the Fox Say?" playing nonstop—his favorite song. But things got stranger as he began to act like a cat, licking himself and meowing randomly at us. He also had a bizarre habit of “representing” different gangs every week, even ones that didn’t recruit white members. The Latin Kings were his go-to, likely because he liked their colors. At times, he’d stare blankly at walls, completely unaware of his surroundings.
Despite being less than ideal company, he joined us on deployments, even though none of us wanted him there. After we returned, we quickly recommended him for mental evaluation. Some of my guys still keep in touch with him on Facebook, where he claims to have single-handedly cleared buildings like Rambo—definitely not true. As for hygiene, though, he believed deodorant was all he needed.
First Night Of Basic Training
On the first night of basic training, as we all got ready for bed, I noticed something unusual. While most of us were busy showering, brushing our teeth, and changing into sleepwear, there was one man already dressed in his sleeping clothes on the bunk opposite me.
Curious, I asked if he was skipping the shower. He casually responded, "No, I put on 48-hour deodorant." That was enough to send the entire bay into fits of laughter, and from then on, he was known as Private 48. It quickly became clear that his approach to hygiene was, let's say, a bit unconventional. Even his superior officer noticed, though it didn’t seem to help with the itching.
A US Air Force Major
A US Air Force Major, known for his unusual habit of scratching his nether regions during briefings, had been in the service for decades. His prolonged career was mainly due to his time in Vietnam, but aside from that, his achievements were minimal, often more about appearances than actual accomplishments.
During an orientation tour at a Minuteman site, the Major fell into a hole. After his hospital discharge, he was promptly retired. This incident highlighted a larger issue: the lack of attention to basic hygiene among recruits. It may be worthwhile to consider hygiene standards as part of the application process for those joining the military.
Putting The Basics In Basic Training
We had a guy who wasn’t showering, so we just four-man carried him into the shower and squirted soap from the bottle, and used long-handled brushes on him like a dog. We did this every night until he realized it was easier to do it himself. We weren’t being cruel, rough, or brutal about it. He just needed to be jarred out of whatever state of acquiescence he’d been raised with.
We didn’t want to judge him for something he likely just wasn’t taught as a kid growing up. Who knows what community he lived in? Parents don’t always teach their children important things like bathing. Maybe they didn’t even bathe themselves?
Here, My Deer
There was an entire week where we had to keep everyone from sneaking out of the barracks with an excessive number of physical training belts. Later, we found out the bizarre reason why. Somehow, a rumor started that if you could put your belt on a deer, you’d be exempt from physical training. Who knows what caused them, but he was adamant.
By some sick twist of fate, a deer actually ran through our morning formation, like, through it, and it was just a hailstorm of belts at the poor thing. What do you do when it seems that you clearly aren’t fit for the army? You cook, apparently.
If You Can’t Do, Cook
At one of my duty stations, there was a girl who wasn’t all there. Everyone could see it. One day, out of the blue, she decides to take the three-wheel bike (the one with the large basket in between the two rear tires) and go for a spin.
She hit a fence post, a parked car, and a dumpster, all within 30 feet of her starting position. She eventually went to cooking school. Sometimes stupidity in the military means that an individual can pose a danger to him or herself. Here’s a perfect example.
Spinning Out
Sergeant Stubby. On aircraft, we have these things called vane axial fans. Think of a big, DC-powered fan with blades that are about two millimeters thick. These things usually have tubular housing for air channeling reasons and spin so fast they are near invisible. For whatever reason, Stubby decided to check if it was spinning—and he did it in the dumbest way possible.
He stuck his hand down the back side of one of these things and stuck a finger in. The end result was a clean severance at the first knuckle. I watched this same guy fall asleep on the wing of an Apache while trying to install a clamp on a drain line and roll forward off the wing. He hit the rack on the way down, which broke his fall—and his arm. What happens when you not only don’t shower after getting back in 100-degree desert weather and also don’t pass any of the physical tests? You don’t become a soldier.
Two For One
One of my guys never passed a physical training test, not once. Not in basic, not in the “real” army. Never. Still, we needed the personnel, and we knew he wouldn’t pass, so we stopped testing him. The same guy wouldn’t shower.
He spent two weeks in a 100-degree desert, and he didn’t shower when we got back. It was unbearable. Most people know how to dress properly. That is until you meet someone from your company that can’t even wear the right shoes for his feet.
Ignorance Is Bliss
This guy I knew was a career specialist. If I remember correctly, he was eight years in when I met him. He was horrible at coping with stressors. He came in one day and had a gray undershirt on his back when they were supposed to be brown. I asked him if he was wearing the proper shirt underneath his top, to which he excitedly declared, “Of course not”! At that point, I told him to look down, which he did. Then in the span of about two seconds, he grabs both sides of his collar, zips his hands and collars tight across his neck, and then without a word, runs full speed for the door. He clips the door frame and eats it outside and then disappears for about an hour and shows back up with a brown shirt and no recollection of anything ever happening. But it didn’t stop there.
About three weeks later, he shows up to work, and during morning uniform inspection, I get to him and notice he is wearing two left boots. He didn’t even notice he had two left boots. Fast forward a couple more weeks, and I’m walking with him out to a helicopter, and he is carrying a torque wrench. Evidently, his hand stops working like a normal hand, and this torque wrench slips right out of his fingers, hits his boot, and gets punted about 40 feet down the flight line. These are calibrated tools, so if they drop more than a foot, they are supposed to get coded out and sent back for re-cal. He just walks happily behind it, looks at me, and stares at me while he picks the wrench up and then starts sauntering back out towards the aircraft. I call him on it, and he is straight-up bewildered that he would be told to go get a new torque wrench. We just spoke about wearing the wrong clothing, but this next soldier did something even worse. He kept losing his uniform all the time.
Lost, Not Found
We had a guy who just kept losing stuff. He showed up to morning formation in a downpour without his rain jacket and, when asked, just spouted, “I LOST IT, MASTER CORPORAL .''He all had to go the day without a rain jacket. Another time he had gotten called to speak with a board of officers to see if he should stay or not, and as per the standard, he had lost his beret and needed to borrow one.
I, being sympathetic, lent him mine and, by the end of the day, had reported back to me that he had lost my beret. He was also a cheapskate. A few of us on our infantry course would carpool when we got weekend leave, and he never pitched in for gas. He got his comeuppance, though. One day, we just left him. He wasn’t super thrilled the next time we saw him. When injured in boot camp, officers have to carry a stool. This would be for an obvious reason, right? Not to one officer.
Camp Stool Of Shame
There was this 23- or 24-year-old guy trying to be an Officer. When you get injured at OCS (boot camp for officers), you have to walk around in tennis shoes, a glowing belt and have a camp stool slung over your shoulder. This guy was outside our drill formation watching us march and, I kid you not, sat down criss-cross applesauce on the deck with his campstool slung over his shoulder. He somehow did not realize that you could sit down on the camp stool.
The next night he woke up suddenly, smacked his face against the ceiling, and got sent home with a concussion. Blatant lying in the military should get you thrown out, especially when you endanger your squad by driving without any idea how to do so.
The Wisdom Of Andrew
We have this guy. Let’s call him Andrew. Andrew is a guy trying to become Military Police. Yay! See, everyone hates MPs, even MPs. Now, everyone knows that most MPs aren’t the brightest. It’s that job that a lot of people go into because they don’t want to be infantry or anyone that has to do a lot of rucking or thinking. This guy, though, was a special case. The first couple weeks into basic Training, he had to have multiple people do his chores for him, making his bed, cleaning his gear, packing his bag for the day…tying his boots. The guy somehow gets through basic Training, even though his Drill Sergeants tried getting him kicked out for being dumb, and so did everyone else. The guy barely passes his tests and doesn’t even listen to what the Drill Sergeants’ say, and backtalks them all the time. So a bad soldier right there already. I was in Korea when I first met this guy and instantly knew he was not the brightest bulb, as in the second I met him. I met him while I was on the road doing MP things before we went to the field. I was tasked with training him on road stuff, how to do traffic stops, calls, paperwork, etc. Well, during that time, I asked him if he had his license so he could drive for a little while.
He said yes, so I let him drive. He gets into the driver’s seat and says, “This is cool. I feel like a cop”. The first red flag was right there, but I didn’t see it. He starts to drive, and the second red flag goes up when he hits the accelerator, then the brake in quick succession, causing us to jolt a little in the car. I asked if he knew how to drive, and he said yeah. He drives for about 30 minutes before he lets me drive again. By this point, it was almost the end of the day, and I got called to do transport. I had paperwork to do, so I asked Andrew if he was up to doing transport. He said yup and went on his way after I told him where to go. As I finished up the paperwork, everyone got back, and one of my favorite Sergeants called me outside to talk for a bit. She asked me if I was tracking that Andrew didn’t have his license. I stared at her with wide eyes and told her what he had said to me. It got so much worse. She tells me she believes me but that he almost caused an accident by cutting in front of her. He tells me not to let him drive again, and we go on our way. But that wasn’t the end of it. Military soldiers need good coordination. So when they don’t have that kind of balance, everyone normally laughs.
Special Maneuvers
At one base I lived on with my parents, there was a military policeman on guard duty at the main entrance. Usually, getting on base is pretty straightforward. Exchanging salutes, sirs/ma’ams, scanning ids, fingerprints. All that jazz. We get up to the gate, the guard throws the salute, and the usual spiel begins. The chaos breaks loose. All in one go, the guard goes to lean down, missteps off the curb of the hut, and like a bird against a window in a cartoon, slides down the side of the car. At the time, I was maybe eight or nine, and I tried my hardest to keep quiet, but I lost it and started laughing because I saw the other guy in the hut losing his mind.
The guy gets up as nothing happens, and my dad just goes, “If you wanted to check under the car, we could’ve pulled into inspection .”We were the only ones at the gate but holy moly that is one of my best memories from that base. A night off is a good opportunity to let off some steam while in the military. But drinking way too much alcohol isn’t acceptable.
Remember This?
My boyfriend is in the Air Force, and he did basic Training last year. A couple of months ago, during his course, some idiot he was stationed with disappeared during everyone’s night off. Most people had gone to drink and were back on time, but not him. My boyfriend was supposed to make sure everyone had gotten back, but he figured he just missed him and went to bed. He hears an angry knock on his door at 4 am. It’s his superior yelling at him to get up. What they found was brutal. The guy was beyond inebriated. He even peed on some equipment that was lined up outside. When my boyfriend had to drag him to the Chief Warrant Officer, he could barely stand up.
While the dude was getting yelled at, he threw up. In his superior’s office. All over himself. Everyone got yelled at to just wash him and put him to bed. My boyfriend and his friends had to strip him shirtless, forcibly shower him (he was yelling and trying to fight everyone), forcibly dry him, forcibly put him in PJs, and forcibly put him to bed. He woke up with a huge hangover without a single clue what had happened. He allegedly went very, very pale when he was told. Legend has it. He’s still catching up on extra duty. Military personnel are obligated to take drug tests. But one kid clearly didn’t understand the assignment.
When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go
On my first day of Navy boot camp, we got off the bus and ran into the building, all lining up in ranks. They gave us this speech about contraband etc. They gave us an opportunity to throw away any contraband we had at that moment. One of the kids in the back walked up and threw away something. The Recruit Division Commander (RDC) yelled, “Recruit, recruit, get back up here, NOW .”The kid walked back up, and the RDC said, “What did you just put in here”? The kid mumbles something, and the RDC says, “Pick up what you just put in there and tell me what it is .”The kid picks up something and says, “It is a…personal pleasure device, officer”. The RDCs lost it on that one. It gets better. During the in-processing phase, we all had to pee in a cup. If you got into the room and couldn’t go for any reason, then you were sent back out into a large room with your sweatshirt backward to signify you didn’t go. I didn’t have to go yet, so I walked around the room, stopping at every fountain to get a drink. We weren’t allowed to talk. Just walk and drink.
This same kid was walking just behind me with his sweatshirt backward and caught up to me. He said, “Dude, where is the RDC? I have to pee .”I told him not to talk to me and sped up. On the other side of the room, I decided I could go now, so I walked to the line, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw it. This kid is peeing in a trash can! He ended up three spots behind me in line, and when he got into the room, the RDC asked him why his pants were wet. He said, “I couldn’t find an RDC, and I had to pee so bad I wet myself a little, so I peed into the trash can .”The look on that RDCs face was horrifying. They took him to another room, and I didn’t see him the rest of the day until we got to our in-processing barracks. That kid was amazingly stupid, he got sent back three times in boot camp, but I heard he eventually graduated. There’s no requirement to spell your own name to get into the military. But maybe there should be, according to this next recruit.
It Takes All Kinds
I had a soldier who couldn’t spell his own last name correctly and didn’t know what “lbs” or “ht” stood for on his personal record sheet. He also hated to shower because, in his words, “He’s just gonna get dirty again .”Hard worker, but not the brightest. I had a kid in Basic whose father was the Israeli Ambassador to the United States. Service is a requirement in Israel, and he had the option to join the US Army instead.
Every weekend his father had a car come pick him up and bring him off the post for whatever, even though the rest of us hadn’t seen our families since we shipped out. When a recruit already has a rap sheet before they’ve been there a month, it’s usually a bad sign. But this recruit was on another level.
Major Mess
Me: Former Air Force officer and commander of a Security Forces squadron. We basically did law enforcement, flight-line security, and force protection. We got in a new troop out of basic training/tech school. I’ll call this one guy Snuffy. Snuffy was literally the only troop I ever encountered in my 20+ year career, which came to his first duty station with an Article 15 (a huge punishment code) already on his record. That was unheard of in the Air Force; if you get in that kind of trouble in Basic or tech school, they usually just boot you. Like all first-term newbies, Snuffy has to spend a month at the base First Term Airman’s Center, where they basically teach the young folks about the base, dorm life, financial responsibility, etc. Here’s where the trouble began. Snuffy gets kicked out of the base after one week due to not showing up and tardiness.
At this point, we don’t know what to do with Snuffy. He’s a major mess. In our career field, you have to carry a firearm every day, and this kid is so stupid we can’t arm him. We are forced to relieve him of duty, meaning he goes into limbo where he can only do stuff like pick up trash, light administrative work, etc., while we try to take steps to see if he can still be administratively discharged since he’s been on Active Duty only briefly. While he’s relieved of duty, he starts being “late” to work. This is a really big deal at this point because he basically works directly for my senior staff. This gets him in trouble, and I’m forced to consider having him punished for dereliction of duty. Snuffy continues to spiral out of control. He married a rather, uh, well, he married a local woman he had just met. They move into base housing. He keeps getting in trouble (while his other issues are still working their way through the Staff Judge Advocate). For example, he sprays and paints his car with a rattle can, blowing spray paint all over his neighbor’s car. He keeps dogs locked in his garage and never cleans up their poop, breaking all kinds of housing requirements, etc. This last recruit was pretty bad and clearly couldn’t look after himself. But at least he didn’t have a weird thing for dolphins.
The Delphinophile
Let’s call this guy George. He was in the 2009 Basic Training at Fort Jackson. Of course, everyone called him Gomer Pyle.
He was just not someone who should be a soldier. He sucked at push-ups and everything else. I was always messing up in our drills. And then he said he loved dolphins and wanted to marry one.
Long Gone
In Fort Gordon in 2009, I had a guy in our platoon who went to the hospital one day and complained of a heart murmur. He got put on a 90-day Dead Man Profile (no Physical Training of any kind whatsoever) and automatically granted off-base and civilian clothes privileges. He was automatically pushed most of the way through Training because he didn’t have to take a physical training test like everyone else. That’s fine, except by God, he was so arrogant about it, so smug that he had pulled one over on our chain of command. That made it even more hilarious when I found out the truth about him. Over the next few months, he was there. He regularly got inebriated at barracks and off-post hotel parties.
Again, he’s supposed to have some sort of heart problem, but yet he’s drinking and underage at that because he was 19 or 20. How he made it all the way through Basic Training, I will never know. How he made it through more advanced Training, I will never know. How he made into, then out of, the active duty Army with a deployment under his belt, I will also never know. Sometimes you really want some tea. But when a recruit named Daun wanted to try and make his tea, he made the wrong decision.
A Few Teabags Short Of A Pot
There was this kid named Daun. He was a special boy. He was trying to figure out how to make hot water for his tea. I suggested using his MRE heater (with the beverage bag because of common sense). So he just filled up the heater bag with water, dropped the heater in, and set it aside to do its job. Then he started making tea with the water that was in direct contact with the heater.
I opted not to stop him because, at that point, I figured the only way he was going to learn anything was through experience. His squad leader stopped him. Another time, he had to re-shoot his firearm qualification. He needed a higher score to be able to participate in an upcoming event, so he got back later than most of us. Our next recruit had a strange habit of ironing his clothing too much, falling asleep at the wheel, and leaving his weapons in foreign countries. What a combo to have.
He’s Not Losing Any Sleep Over It
One of my classmates had narcolepsy. He could fall asleep standing up, and he did. He also had a really bad stuttering problem. One night in our Field exercise, we were practicing using a radio. He couldn’t say Romeo and kept stuttering through it. We were trying not to be jerks, so we were trying our hardest not to laugh. He had his mom send him several boxes of clothes to him, and on Saturdays, he would stand there ironing his clothes in his tan briefs with the door opened. I don’t even know where he got an ironing board from.
I wasn’t with him at his first duty station, but I ended up at the same unit six months after he left the Army. During that time there, he totaled his car after falling asleep at the wheel and got a citation for leaving his weapon in Iraq. Base housing needs to pass inspection every once in a while. But this next recruit was lucky that he wasn’t kicked out instantly.
Triple Whammy
I had a guy whose house was such a disgusting pigsty that the whole unit had to go clean it up for him due to him being in base housing. He let his dogs go to the bathroom all over his house and never picked it up. There were bottles full of pee in his closet—but that wasn’t the worst part. The cherry on top was that the genius sprinkled used rubbers around the house when he knew the unit was coming to be clean.
He is easily the biggest piece of garbage I have ever met and is now living extremely comfortably on disability welfare without lifting a finger for what are almost certainly completely fraudulent reasons. You’d think disrespect would get you kicked out of the military instantly. But this one recruit got away with one too many confrontations.
No Fear
There was a guy who just lost the ability to care. One night he went into the sergeant’s room and put on the sergeant’s hoodie, and lay down on his bunk. He didn’t get caught with that one, but he was caught eating rations on multiple occasions when he wasn’t supposed to and would sometimes just sit down when we were in formation. Generally, he just did crazy, bold stuff all the time without caring whether he got caught.
Then when he did get caught, he just stood there and took it like a true stoic. He said he’d been forced to join by family. I’m actually not sure if he made it, but that was the memory that stands out. I can only assume that he didn’t last in the military.